All My Love
by Dead-bY-n0w
Summary: The fight with Brooklyn. What happens if Kai does NOT make it out alive? KaiHil. Underwent minor revision. New scene added.
1. The Beginning Of The End

**Warnings****: Depressing Romance. Death. Self-injury. Suicide themes.  
><strong>**Scenario****: The end of Season Three. The fight with Brooklyn. What happens if Kai does NOT make it out alive?  
><strong>**Pairing:****KaiXHil. No other.  
><strong>**Thankyou's:**** KaiHil Lover, for beta-reading the story. She's honestly the best there is...:)**

_**Chapter 1: The Beginning of the End**_

_She stood there, staring blankly at the water down below, waiting for what she thought would come, but knew wouldn't; fear. She couldn't find it in herself, not that she'd expected it but, she wondered if she was THAT far gone that she barely felt anything at all. There was this numb feeling…it had never left; not since…._

_The wind was silent tonight, as if it knew what was going to happen, as if it knew that someone was going to break yet another promise she'd made to herself, as if it knew EXACTLY what lay ahead._

_'One,' she thought, not moving her gaze away from the deep, rapid flow just below her. 'Just one more.'_

_She waited a while, waiting for the fear to strike her and bring her to her senses but it never came...and she smiled to herself. Everything was going right. Everything was going more than right; it was perfect. She was going to do it. And it'd be over. It would finally be over…and she'd relish the pain, if it meant that the pain would end._

_She closed her eyes, feeling more calm than she had ever felt in her life, and letting the feeling engulf her. Contentment was something she had stopped feeling long ago...not that it mattered now anyway._

_And as she breathed in her what she hoped was her last, things started to rush past her mind. Things, words, people, smiles, tears, emotions, promises...and she just gave up, letting the thoughts over-power her._

'_'What would HE say?' She thought, as if speaking to someone else, but knowing the answer anyway. Cuz that was just it. She KNEW the answer. And she just wished that he was here, where she could hear his voice or touch his skin or feel his looks, to say it._

_It had started simply enough, no-one knew the consequences would be this bad and would go SO out of control. No-one had expected anything that had happened, even the thought had never crossed their minds….but then again, she guessed that was just how life was; kind of unpredictable at times. She had never thought of even watching a beyblade match much less being pulled into the spotlight of the world. She had never thought that the consequences would be so dire, that the game of stupid spinning tops, as she has thought them to be, would lead to this…_

_Eyes closed, and mind at the calmest it had ever been since _that_ night, she flashbacked to the memory of the day it all began, the day her life, took an unexpected turmoil, that time never healed._

_**(Flashback):**_

_Kai's P.O.V:_

"Don't do it, Kai."

I tensed at the pleading tone, not sure how to reply to it...and I didn't. Which was nothing new for me…but I started to feel bad about it then. I knew she'd be hurt, and somehow, hurting her had always made me feel guilty.

"Hn."

I looked away from the hurt gaze I received, and into the Dojo fountain, by which we were seated. The water was still and stagnant, and the little fish in it were moving slowly, almost sluggishly, across it. One side to the other, stopping by here and there. Maybe it was the weather. It really was less windy that night, than it usually was there in our little town.

"Kai," The tone got more pleading, almost a moan, and a pale hand gripped my arm, in the most gentle way. "Please."

I had to admit, that kinda caught me off guard. But, I composed myself just in time and looked at her straight in the eye for the first time that night.

"Why _not_, Hillary?" I asked, ignoring that hurt look that passed through her eyes again, feeling almost angry at her for trying to tell me what to do. She wasn't the boss of me.

Of all the times I had seen her snap back at people, she sure wasn't saying anything now. I waited, looking at her impatiently, but she just turned her eyes away form my gaze.

"Do you think I can't do it?" I insisted, and her head snapped up at the words. Trying to hide the anger from my tone was hard, but I managed it."Is that it?"

With a slightly nervous look, she replied.

"No, Kai…"  
>"Do you think I'll lose, then?"<br>"Kai, of course not! You-"  
>"Or is it that you think I'll go running off to BEGA again?"<p>

Her eyes widened in shock, and she didn't reply now. I thought I saw a tinge of madness in them. Anger. BEGA had always been a touchy subject, for both of us more than anyone else, and I could see that I'd struck a nerve by picking it.

I was in no mood to talk, she'd have understood that, right? She always has had a knack for understanding me...  
>But I knew I intimidated her. I patronized her, somehow. Unconsciously, of course. But I did.<p>

"Well, what do you _want_, then?" I practically snapped at her at the last statement and I expected her to lash right back at me but all she gave me was a suddenly angry look which vanished as quickly as it had come, being replaced by this strange look of angst. Her eyes seemed a tad bit misty, and I realized all too soon, the tears in them.

She didn't reply, and slowly, her grip on my arm loosened. She stood up, and without saying more, she walked away. And I just watched her as she did, before silently entering the dojo.

And what really bothered me, was that she didn't even turn around once to see the guilt in my eyes….like she didn't even care…

_XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX_

_**Normal P.O.V:**_

The hallway was haunted, dark and creepy but she was here for a purpose and she wasn't going to let the darkness scare her anymore, it had been enough time that she'd been left out in the dark, hadn't it?

She stared at the figure standing at the farthest corner of the hallway, with his back towards her and tapped her feet anxiously before crossing her arms.

"I think I asked you a question, Kai." She spoke again, not bothering to close the distance between them. A thing as trivial as that didn't matter.

Kai, who was silent now and had been ever since he had heard her voice from behind, still didn't reply. Let alone speak, he hadn't even acknowledged her presence at all. He hadn't turned around at her voice, hadn't moved at all actually, and if it were for anyone else other than Hillary, they would've thought that he was just too preoccupied in his own thoughts to give a damn about anything that anyone else had to say.

But it wasn't someone else; it was Hillary. And she knew he was listening, she knew he had heard her question and the impatient and angry tone in which she had stated it, too. And, what Kai regretted the most about it being Hillary was that he knew she wouldn't let it go unless she was satisfied with what she got as a reply.

"I know you're listening." She stated, a little less angrily, even though what she felt was _angrier_ and even more impatient.

And then what he did really confused her. He chuckled, in a low voice. Hillary, out of confusion, dropped the arms she had folded across her chest and took a step forward, wondering if he was going crazy or something, but she stopped dead in her tracks once he turned around to finally look at her.

For a minute, none of them spoke, just stared at each other. He, noticing her lingering angry expression and she, looking at the ghost of his smile still present upon his face, just stared into each others eyes, waiting for the other person to speak.

Surprisingly, it wasn't Hillary.

"I thought you were smart." He said, walking till he was just a few feet from Hillary, a teasing smile replacing his expression. He noticed her shift her weight from one foot to the other and then clench her jaw, almost as if she was about to snap right back at him but was stopping herself from doing it.

She started to feel impatient though, she immediately flash-backed to the time when she was trying to explain how to multiply fractions to her little brother and he kept forgetting….wasn't that annoying? That's just how she felt right then; annoyed.

Why couldn't Kai get right to the point, anyway?

"Just answer me, Kai." she said, not being able to keep her irritation from showing in her voice, and Kai just smiled satisfactorily. But that smile didn't last forever, because a moment later, he started to feel uncomfortable and he mentally cursed himself for feeling that way at just her stare. But then again, she wasn't just anyone, and the way she was looking at him wasn't just any look.

Actually, Kai didn't know what that expression meant, to tell the truth. Because her jaw was clenched and she really did seem angry, annoyed and irritated…but at the same time her eyes were soft, almost wet, and...

Kai didn't know what to make of it, and he felt uncomfortable under that strange gaze.

"Why?" She insisted, her voice going small and her throat suddenly began to feel dry.

_Why does _she _seem upset, anyway?_

He sighed, slowly crossing his arms across his chest and leaning against the wall before looking at her.

"Because," He started, noticing her loosen up a little now that he was speaking normally. "I need to prove myself."

"_Prove_ yourself?" Hillary asked, feeling confused.

"Tyson." He replied, almost as if the answer was obvious, and Hillary was acting stupid. Which she was, she thought. _Of course_, it was about trying to prove he's better than Tyson again. She really should've guessed_._She had an inkling that his pride would one day lead to his undoing; she just didn't think that it would really happen and so soon…..

So she felt angry…and kinda stupid.

"You don't have to prove anything to anyone, you know." She said, trying to prevent her anger from showing, but knowing she wasn't doing a good job because Kai didn't reply.

What he _did_ do, however, was give a playful little smirk instead, which kinda caught Hillary off guard.

"What?" She snapped back and his smile just kinda….grew.  
>"What are <em>you<em> so angry about, anyway?"  
>"I'm not angry." She said plainly.<br>"I know you are."

Hillary huffed, crossing her arms.  
>"What do <em>you<em> know..." She muttered in a voice she thought wouldn't reach him.

Kai felt a pang of anger again.  
>"I know more than you give me credit for."<p>

Silence. And in that silence, Hillary looked up, meeting the captain's eyes. He stared right back at her. Intimidation had always been in his hands, his best weapon. He was aware of it, but it seemed not to be affecting the brunette at the moment.

"I gave you credit for making the wiser choices, too." Her tone was even. "I turned out to be wrong, didn't I?"  
>"It's not your life." His eyes flashed, "I make my own decisions. You don't get to chose for me!"<p>

His voice rose, and he bent a little, stepping forward. Hillary didn't move an inch.  
>"Stop standing in my way!"<p>

Their gazes were still locked.  
>"It's not worth it." Her tone was unwavering, even.<p>

"You don't know ANYTHING!"

Kai pushed into her shoulder, moving her away from his path. An angry hand grabbed him wildly by the arm, before he could go any further, and turned him around.

"Neither do you!"

Now she was angry; her voice rose till it started to echoed loudly in the hallway.

"Stop acting like an ass!" She was shaking all over. "You think you know everything, don't you? You don't! You think it's about you, or proving you're better but you _don't_ know! You _don't _know how everyone feels when you leave. Max left and then Ray...he needed you."

Her voice crumpled, lowered a bit.

"Tyson needed you."

Hands still on his shoulders, she looked down, desperately trying to hide the tears in her eyes.

"Don't do this..."

He could hear her ragged breaths. He could imagine all of them. Her silly little mind had painted a silly little picture in his head, and somehow, he liked what he saw. All of them together again. A team.

"It's too dangerous..."

Ray, Max, Tyson, Kenny...Hillary. The fiery little Hillary who had always been there for him, helped him through everything...the Hillary who was now crumpled up in his arms, a rose fed no water for weeks. Tired. Vulnerable.

"We don't want to lose you again..."

But he had to do it. He had to prove himself to everyone...prove to himself that he was better than Tyson. Just once. Only once.

And his chance was so close...he'd regret it for the rest of his life, if he didn't take it.

"Please..."

With a slight force, he pushed her gently away.  
>"Just, go." Was all he said, without looking at her in the eye. He was afraid he'd give in to her plead. He couldn't ever resist this particular friend of his, not Hillary. And he didn't want to be stopped.<p>

She didn't move, out of shock -or maybe anger- that Kai had pushed her away. He wasn't listening...He'd chosen...

"Don't..."

That was the last whisper, the last words spoken to each other in the deserted hallway. The memory that would forever haunt whichever remained now.

...The onset of the end. The decision now final. Unwavering.

One step back...Hillary heard his footsteps. Slow, even. It made her heart fall in her chest, beat so loudly in her stomach that it made her want to throw up.

He said nothing, didn't even look at her now, as he turned around and started to walk away.

And the really worst part was that she couldn't find it in herself to stop him.

_XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX_

_**Kai's P.O.V:**_

_Why?_

I was struggling, struggling to stand, struggling to even breathe. I couldn't help but fall into Tyson's arms as everyone came to congratulate me on the win. I couldn't make sense of anything. I could hear everything, I could see everything but I just couldn't make sense of it, I felt so lightheaded suddenly….

_Why?_

The pain was too much for me. Everything started to hurt and all I could do was just wonder. Just think about that night when I had the chance to rethink my decision, but didn't give myself a chance to do so.

_Don't do it._

Her words echoed loudly in my head, more loudly than the noise outside, more loudly than the cheering or the talking and the weird buzzing. _Why_, my conscious had been asking, hadn't I listened to her?

_You don't have to prove anything to anyone, you know._

Her voice, tinged with anger, spoke in my head, as if she was speaking herself. If I had the strength, I'd have chuckled.

Because, I did need to prove myself, you stupid girl. I needed to prove myself to be better than Tyson. Somehow, part of it was her. Part of the struggles, part of the sacrifice...was for her. Because it didn't matter what anyone else thought, but why had I suddenly found myself thinking it mattered what _she_ thought? I had called her stupid, hadn't I? Well, _I_ was the one who was stupid enough to _not_listen to her….

Life was cruel irony. Apparently, I was the victim again. If only I didn't feel the need to prove myself. If only I had realized that I was yet again, wrong and she was, yet again, right.

If only I had realized that to prove myself to her, I never needed to battle this hard.

I looked up, trying to concentrate, everything just kept getting blurred. But I didn't need a perfect vision to see that the person I was searching for was the one standing the closest to me.

"I'll be back."

It took all my energy to get myself to say those words. I was so weak, I hated it. I hated being so vulnerable. I looked at her face again, this time trying to read her expression through my blurred sight. It was hopeless, almost crumpled and immediately, it brought back my lost will. I didn't want her to cry, I didn't want her to feel bad. She deserved to feel better after everything I had said to her. What I wanted was for her to look at me smugly and rub the fact that she was right, straight into my face. I wanted her to be angry at me, to yell at me…do _something_, do _anything_ but give me that agonized expression, when I knew I was the cause of it….

"Wait for me."

She looked up, I saw her do so as I struggled to keep my eyes open for a few seconds. Someone grabbed me from under my arm and Hillary put her hand on my shoulders to help them holster me on what felt like a stretcher. She leaned in, and whispered in a very soft, almost shaky voice something I barely would've caught if she weren't this close.

"Kai," her pleading tone surprised me, but I didn't have the energy to react. I just lay there, staring as she spoke, collecting the energy to say another sentence, fighting to stay conscious. "Please."

The same pleading tone. The same apologetic manner. There she was again...the Hillary I knew and loved. Angry at times that didn't need that rage so much, that it disappeared when it was actually needed.

"Wait till," I said as she put her hands around mine in a comfortable gesture. "I get better, Hils."

She looked at me with a strange expression, the kind when I had told her that I had left because I needed to prove something.

Confused. Helpless. Hopeless...

Someone pulled on my legs, helping them up on the stretcher and the last thing I remembered was seeing her tear-stricken face, so close…and whispering the words I never thought I would hear myself say.

"I love you, Hillary."

The moment I said those words, the feelings that were boiling inside me subsided and I realized the painful truth once more.

I had made a stupid decision….everyone makes stupid decisions and the thing about them is, that you can never go back and change anything. The least you can do is let yourself _feel_ the disappointment and hope that everything turns out for the best.

_XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX_

_**Normal P.O.V:**_

"We're trying all we can," The nurse said, kind of impatiently, but they didn't care. They were sitting in one of the rooms of the public hospital, waiting for their friend to snap out of unconsciousness. No success, till now but they hadn't stopped hoping. How could they?

The nurse noticed their tension and left the room without saying another word.

They waited, and waited and it was getting harder for everyone to stay calm. The silence was ghastly. Max hadn't stopped eating ever since they had entered the hospital and he surely wasn't stopping now. Kenny was pacing around, staring nervously around at all the machines to which Kai was attached to. He had placed Dizzy on one of the chairs and even _she_ hadn't cracked a single joke. Ray was sitting on one side of Kai's bed, head in his hands, just staring at Kai's pale face and giving Tyson and Hillary glances every once in a while. They were sitting just across him, and Hillary was on the edge of crying now while Tyson just stared at Kai with a blank expression, like he was in too much shock to just speak even.

Hillary wrapped her arms more tightly around her knees. She could barely bear it anymore.

_Why didn't he listen to me?_

She was too lost in her thoughts, so much preoccupied at the words Kai had said to even control her tears as they ran down her now-unusually pale face.

"Hils," Ray whispered from across her, and Tyson snapped from his reverie and looked up at the sudden sound of panic in Ray's voice.

She sniffed, rubbing her eyes with her sleeves as Tyson wrapped an arm around her.

"It's okay." He whispered, though he didn't even believe it himself. "He'll be okay."

Hillary sniffed, looking over at Kai. Was it just her or had his skin gone paler than before? And hadn't that beeping slowed just now? Why hadn't he opened his eyes yet?

"I told him," She started, unable to stop the tears from coming. "I told him not to do it."

Everyone was looking at her now. Kenny stopped pacing; Max held the thirty-something chocolate bar close to his mouth, ready to bite but too surprised to do so. Ray looked over from Kai, at Hillary. They hadn't known she had tried talking Kai out of it. They hadn't even known he was doing it till he walked into the stadium on the day of the match. Why had he told her and not them?

"Why didn't he listen to me?"

No-one said anything, and Tyson just hugged her close.

_XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX_

_**Normal P.O.V:**_

"I'm sorry, guys," Were the words of the doctor as he came out of the ER, "but your friend couldn't make it."

The room went silence, as everyone took on the news, their minds too shocked to react. Everyone seemed paralyzed, immobilized…they barely even dared to breathe. Even the doctor felt grave, the pain-striking expression of the kids was too much, even for him. Although the man had been a doctor for years, the anguish in their eyes brought tears to his own.

The seconds ticked by, getting longer and more painful and when Tyson, who was the first one to react, hit his fist hard on the wall, only then did they realize that they weren't dreaming, that they really had lost their friend, their captain, their best buddy…

And that was when they couldn't control their emotions anymore, and hell broke lose inside them. There were sobs, their were tears, everyone drowning in their own hurt to comfort the other, to even notice that for one person, things will never be the same again, that for that person, this was just the beginning of the pain for ages to come.

Even she herself had failed to realize that her life had ended with his, and what's left was this silhouette of someone she'd once known….

_XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX_

**Honest thoughts, please. This underwent revision, and an addition of a new scene was made. Tell me, if anyone noticed it, what you thought.**

**Especial thanks to kaihil lover, who was tolerant enough to actually take her time out and beta read my stories, I swear she's the best. I couldn't have done this without her.**


	2. Is She Okay?

_**Chapter 2: Is she okay?**_

"Honey,"

I looked up at my mum, at the softness of her voice. The gesture, although sweet, wasn't appreciable to me. I didn't want to talk right now. I didn't want to talk ever.

"You haven't even touched your food." She smiled half-heartedly at me and I looked down at my bowl of rice. I was just picking at it, she was right, but that's all what I've been doing lately. I haven't eaten much food since…..

"Excuse me." I stood up, and walked away, leaving my bowl of food at the table. I ignored her worried expression, and she never did say anything to voice her thoughts, knowing how futile that is.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

"What's wrong with you, Hillary?"

I looked up, my face crumpled, wishing for the millionth time that I'd be alone for a little while.

"I don't know." I replied, a head ache forming already. I was tired, I wanted him to go away and leave me alone. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. Hadn't I already made that obvious?

Tyson was watching me, his brown eyes tinged with worry, a crease forming between his brows, and his mouth twisted downwards in a frown. He looked from me, over to the others. Max and Ray were sitting to the right, not very far away, pretending to be distracted. But I knew they were listening, I knew they only had ears for me now. It bothered me a lot. Why couldn't they mind their own stupid business and let me grieve? They couldn't just expect me to be happy…Not everyone can move on with their lives so easily….like nothing ever happened.

"Hillary," It was Ray, who had now decided to give up his pretence to be distracted and had turned to look at me when he heard my answer. I wrapped my arms around my knees, feeling uncomfortable suddenly "I know you're upset."

_God…Please no._

"We're worried." Max said. I didn't look at him, because I knew that even though it had been only two months, everyone seemed to be moving on. Max was almost back to his usual self again. I didn't want to see that...it made me feel insecure. I didn't want anything else on my plate, because it had no more space to hold anything else.

"Hillary, are you listening?"

How was it possible _not_ to listen?  
>"Hillary," Tyson said warningly.<br>"Yes," I whispered, barely being able to keep the annoyance off of my voice. "I am."

He sighed.  
>"I'm sorry that you're feeling that way, Hillary." He continued, "But, we just wanna help."<p>

Well, they were not being helpful; they were just making me feel worse by reminding me of him.

"Yeah, Hils." Max stated and I noticed something that sounded like anxiety in his voice. "You should know that we're here, if you wanna talk about it…"

He discontinued, noticing the wince I'd been unable to hide. I hid my face in my knees, feeling something burn in my throat, feeling the sudden wetness in my eyes…

I didn't wanna talk. I didn't want to talk about anything. Especially not that night…especially not him…

"Please, stop doing this, Hils." The plea in Ray's voice confused me; he thought that it was up to _me_ to stop feeling this way. It wasn't. I'd lost control over my emotions the very night….

"I wish," I whispered into my knees, trying to blink back the tears, "that I could."

Everything was silent. God, I was tired...

"What are you saying, Hillary?"

_Just shut up. I can't take this anymore._

"Hillary, _what_ are you saying?"  
>"Tyson!"<p>

_Leave me alone…please…_

I couldn't repress the sniff that accompanied the tears around the corners of my eyes…I knew I wouldn't last long.

"Did you _hear_ what she just said, Max?"

Why did Tyson have to be so loud?  
>"I <em>know <em>what she said, but this stuff isn't easy to go through—"  
>"Yeah, Tyson. Cut her some slack. She'll be okay."<br>"Look at her! Does she look _okay_?"

No-one replied.

"I know she's upset." Tyson continued in a lower voice. "But she can't spend her time feeling like this anymore."

Why not? I wanted to ask. It was my life. I could do whatever I wanted…

...Kai had, hadn't he? Went ahead and did what he wanted to do, not caring how it would affect everyone else...

"Hillary," Ray was just in front of me now, I didn't have to look up to tell that. I felt his hands on mine, trying to pry them off of my legs so that he could look at me, but I wouldn't let him.

"Hils," I felt Max sling his arms around my shoulders and ruffle some of my hair.

"I'm sorry, Hils," Tyson's voice was the closest, just next to me. "I just want you to feel better."

I looked up a little, and saw Ray smiling encouragingly at me. I know I should've felt thankful for having such great friends but…I just wanted to cry. Did they realize that all of this…this _pain_, was because of me?

"It's my fault." I whispered, the words slipping my tongue before I even realized it. I didn't deserve to be made to feel better by people to whom I'd caused so much pain. "Do you realize that?"

"Hillary," The considerate tone in Tyson's voice made me feel terrible again. "It's not—"  
>"Stop that," I cried. "Stop trying to make me feel better."<p>

I buried my face in my knees back again.

"I knew what he was doing," I was losing control again. My voice was shaking. "I could've stopped him. I could've reasoned with him. But I didn't—"  
>"You <em>did<em>—"  
>"I <em>couldn't<em>—"  
>"You <em>could<em>, Hils. He didn't listen to you—"  
>"Hillary, it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself—"<br>"But I _knew_ what he was going to do." I was crying now. My teas were uncontrollable, but when is _that_ new? Nothing ever is in my control, like I said, anymore. "It was my responsibility to stop him."

"You can't be saying that you feel responsible for what happened, Hils."  
>"But I <em>am<em>." I argued. "I _am_ responsible."

I recalled the night I had the chance to turn things around. I recalled how I had gotten scared at how he was snapping back at me. I had gotten intimidated by the indifferent look he gave me. If only I hadn't cared; if only Id been brave enough, and told him what I really thought…

Suddenly, I started crying, sobs I couldn't suppress…

Max hugged me, pulling me close into his chest. I couldn't help but lean into the gesture. I know I wanted to feel better…but how could I? When I knew this was my fault…

"Hillary, please stop that." He whispered as I rested my head on his shoulders, burying my face in his neck.  
>"It's not your fault." Tyson continued, rubbing my back. Oh, how much I wanted to believe him….<br>"Then, why, Tyson." I sniffed. "Do I feel so guilty?"

No-one had the answer to that and I just watched helplessly as Ray and Tyson exchanged meaningful glances.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

That night, I lay in my bed, looking out of the window. The weather was eerie, the wind silent and the cold was deadly. I wrapped my blanket tightly around me, curling up into a ball as I thought…

...It hurt where I was. Ached and throbbed. Even the smallest of the memory would tear right through me, cutting, slashing, pricking…the pain knew my weakest spot and it seemed it was determined to just keep hitting me there. Because even after all the times I've thought about him, hoping things would change, hoping as everyone believed that time might heal the wounds, hoping that someday I'd stop feeling this…this jabbing whenever I thought about him, nothing had changed. After all this time, when I kept hoping I would snap out of this state of misery, it disappointed me today when I realized that things hadn't changed at all…that it'd gotten so much worse. Because in addition to this pain, I'd now started feeling something else that I realized only today; guilt.

When had that started happening? I knew I shouldn't feel this way…it was wrong. It wasn't my fault. I knew he had his mind set. I couldn't have changed it even if I tried to….but if I knew that, why was there so much….pain?

I didn't have to think hard to get to the answer.

That night. I had been afraid; that was the answer. Fear had made me indecisive. I had been afraid when I should've been strong….this made me feel worse, knowing that I had the power to set things right but I didn't. Especially since I knew that I'd succeeded in doing it before.

What, I'd let fear stop me, now? And I'd let it succeed...?

But he'd always intimidated me...Always the patronizing one...how could I even think of feeling strong, what with how had been looking at me?

He was angry. He didn't like being told what to do and that's what I was doing by trying to stop him. It was superior, kinda annoyed look that he passed…it just made me feel stupid.

Stupid, because I'd failed to realize what was happening, what had _already_happened, before it was too late.

Why and _how_ I'd gotten myself into this ditch-hole was really out of my better understanding. Because, I'd never really fallen for anyone else, like I'd fallen for Kai Hiwatari. And I'd been stupid, stupid for thinking that he'd ever feel the same way. Stupid for knowing that Kai, just like his bit-beast, was free and fiery, always at the top, always knowing what to do, never the one to follow anyone else's will; for knowing all of that and _still_hoping that he'd fall for someone like me, who had never known what it feels like to be him.

And that anger I had seen in his eyes that night, had proved it all. And there was something else it proved, yet again. And that was that I had been stupid to think that I mattered, that what I thought mattered, that what I had to say mattered, that what I _felt_ mattered.

And that was why I hadn't said anything and with a heavy heart, was forced to abandon hope and give in without a fight. I knew I'd search for the answers, but I also knew that I could never hope for the same thing.

When I had walked away from him that night, he never stopped me and I never did turn around to look at his reaction either, because I was afraid again; afraid of what I'd see in his eyes and afraid of the pain I'd feel after seeing it.

Then that night, I had allowed myself to let the pain out, I had allowed myself to cry, because then I had promised myself that it would be the last time I'd cry over a guy who barely acknowledged my existence, what I had to say or what I felt.

That night, I had cried over everything he had said to me that meant something, and everything that he had showed me that negated the former the very same night. I had let myself feel the pain, I had let things slip out my mind because then, I swore to myself that it would be the last time I'd cry over Kai Hiwatari, if he never really felt the same way I did.

_I love you, Hillary_.

His voice rang in my head, tugging on the little pieces that were left of my heart…

"Yeah, right." I chuckled to myself, my voice going hoarse, my throat going warm and dry and my eyes going foggy once again. "I don't believe you."

Because if he did love me, he'd be here…he'd have held on, he'd have been strong….he'd never have left me. He just pitied me; like everyone else. He just said that but he never really meant it.

Whatever he had said was just out of God damned pity and commiseration.

But after the heart-breaking realizations that night, the only thing I'd failed to grasp was that it was just the beginning of every promise, mine and his, of every tear, of every sleepless night, of every pain that I was yet to witness.

But, hadn't he broken his promise? He told me he'd be back. He told me to wait for him. He never came, and that's not a good thing. But doesn't that mean that in exchange, I get to break my promise too?

Because the truth be told, even if he didn't feel like I did, even if every inch of my being was determined to deny it, but I still loved Kai….I never had stopped loving him, and, lying there in the bed, two months after that battle with Brooklyn, I realized that I never will….

I waited for the tears to come, for emotions to over-power me, till I couldn't breathe, like they'd done countless times….but the weird thing was, that they never did. I waited and waited, and eventually, lulled myself to sleep in the emptiness he'd left behind.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

"….she was crying again."

The whisper caught my attention, and immediately, I stopped dead in my tracks. They were in the other room, talking about me again…

"That's because you yelled at her, Tyson." Max complained.  
>"He yelled at her?" Kenny's voice, tinged with disbelief, echoed exasperatedly around the room.<br>"That's _not_ why she was crying, Max." Tyson said defensively.  
>"You don't yell at someone in her condition, Tyson!" Kenny said, equally as angrily as he had before, ignoring Tyson's attempt at defense.<p>

My _condition_? That was…that hurt, a little.

"Look, I'm sorry." Tyson started. "But, she kinda admitted that she can't control what she feels anymore."

Everything was silent, and just when I was beginning to wonder if they knew I was standing outside, Max spoke again.

"You shouldn't have yelled at her."  
>"I'm sorry." Tyson sighed, really meaning what he had said.<p>

There was a small noise, of ruffling, before Kenny spoke.  
>"Maybe we should…"<br>"No, Kenny." Ray said, speaking for the very first time. "Let's just wait on this, okay?"  
>"But it's been <em>months<em>." Kenny argued, "and frankly, she's not getting any better."  
>"And now she's starting to feel responsible about what happened." Max joined in.<br>"You mean, she's feeling guilty about it now?" Kenny asked. Max must've nodded because I heard no answer.  
>"Guys, I really think we should—"<br>"No, Kenny." Ray said firmly again. "Let's just give her some time."

There was an angry stomp—probably Tyson– followed by an angry yell.

"She's getting _worse_, Ray!"  
>"She is not gonna taking this well." Said Ray, "I know she's not gonna be happy about this. Is that what you want? You want her to be more miserable?"<br>"We wanna _help_ her, Ray." Max's voice was low, almost guilty. "We want her to feel better. She's wasting her time feeling that way."

More silence.

"Why don't _we_ talk to her?" Ray suddenly spoke, a hint of mystery in his voice.  
>"She's not talking to us, Ray. You know that!"<p>

"Well, I _do_ know that. Don't you see?" Ray's voice rose a little. "If she's not talking to us about this, what makes you think she's gonna talk to anyone else?"

There was a small chuckle.

"I see you're point there."  
>"Good," Ray said satisfactorily, "Because I know her, and she is not gonna like this idea. So, what I'm saying is, let's just give her more time."<p>

"He's right."  
>"I'm not sure, guys." Kenny said, in denial of the very idea. "What if she gets worse?"<p>

"If she does, chief," Ray said, trying to negotiate that conversation, and I breathed in a long, deep breath. "then, we'll take up your decision, and get her some help."

That was the last thing I heard, before I couldn't take any more. They were thinking that I was going mad. They wanted me to see a shrink? They want to turn me to an asylum? So much for friends supporting you…

I turned around, not caring that my feet shouldn't be making these noisy strides, and left the dojo, slamming the door behind me to make sure that the guys knew that I had heard every single thing.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

_**Ah! Finally done. Thanks for everyone who reviewed and read last time….If you guys want me to add anything, do tell me.  
><strong>_


	3. All The Wrong Moves

_**Chapter 3: **__**All the wrong moves for all the right reasons**_

"No," I whispered, feeling angry. "No, I'm not."

I stood up…what the hell was _wrong_ with everyone?

"Hillary, don't argue with me on this." Mom glared at me, looking annoyed, but not the least bit pitiful. Gosh, you'd think she'd _try_ and understand what I was going through...

"I _told_ you," It was getting hard for me to maintain the low tone in my voice. She was getting on my nerves. Everyone was getting on my nerves about the _same_ damn thing, lately. "I do _not _want to go see a stupid shrink!"

I slammed my foot angrily down on the floor, tears running down my cheeks. It was the first time I'd heard my voice properly in _months_ and I was surprised at how dull and monotonous it actually sounded.

Mom, looking twice as surprised as I felt at my sudden outburst, said nothing. She just stared at me from across the table, and when I just couldn't take her pained and disappointed look, I turned around and ran away….away from home, away from the nagging, away from the people I regretted calling my family if they couldn't even understand what I was going through.

But what I really wished for, was having the ability to run away from this pain I had locked up inside and made my own. What I really wished, was for this pain to end.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

I felt the something warm around my shoulders and when I looked around, startled a little, I saw a very warm smile on a very familiar face. I relaxed, leaning back on railing of the bridge I was standing on.

"You're mom called," Tyson spoke, straightening his jacket on my shoulders before leaning next to me on the rail. "She said you ran away because she tried to talk to you about something."

"Hn," I said, pulling on the jacket….It was really cold outside tonight. Tyson chuckled and when I realized that it was because of my small, all-too-familiar response and very Kai-ish response, I looked away from his face, down at the water.

For a short while, the only thing I could hear was Tyson's slow breathing and the low whistle of the wind. It was getting awkward.

"I heard him," Tyson started, apparently trying to break the ice. I looked back at his face to see his expression was serious, a little nervous and sort of upset. It caught my attention immediately. "Kai."

When he said his name, I felt my heart race. My hands went numb and I started to feel cold all of a sudden. Tyson's was in no way calm, his body had tensed abruptly and the frown on his face was apparent to me, even through my foggy eyes and the dull street lights.

"What did he say to you, Hils?" Tyson wasn't looking at me, I noticed and it made me more nervous. I was so used to being the only one in pain when everyone else was calm.

How was I supposed to comfort him when that was the last thing I felt myself?

"You knew what he was going to do, right?" He tried again.

It was silent, as I tried to contemplate what he said, what he was trying to say.

"Did he tell you?" He asked, running his hands through his hair nervously.

I pulled the jacket more tightly around myself, trying to stay calm. It was quiet again, the silence turning ghastly by the second as each of us drowned in memories of the way things were and how they should've been.

"Yes."

Not being able to stand the racing thoughts any more than I did, Tyson immediately latched on to my small whisper.

"What did he say to you?"

It hurt, a small aching that I tried to ignore, when I thought back to yet another night that I could've changed things, another night that I got the chance but was scared, afraid of his words.

_"What's wrong, Kai?" I asked, tugging nervously at his sleeves. He didn't like me so close; I could tell.  
>"Nothing."<em>

"He was upset about something," I started, my eyes tingeing and my voice slow...unsure. Tyson said nothing more, and I never looked up to see how his expression was. "In the hallway, outside his locker room, when I saw him."

_"I know it's not nothing, Kai." I said, moving away from him. If that was just what it would take for him to be a little less angry, then I was more than happy to oblige. "I won't tell anyone."_

_He didn't say anything, or show any sign of speech but I never missed that angry stare he shot at me._

I cringed at the awful memory...There were so many times that we had shared that confused me of our relationship, the angry stares, the rude comments, the hurtful words...but there were times, good times, cherished memories; and they were worth remembering; and one of the things that hurt the most was knowing there was something there, buried and rolled up under the deep, but still there and now, there was nothing left to make something more of it.

_"Maybe I can help," I tried again, pushing at his anger, knowing it and _still_ doing so._

_And his exasperated groan proved it._

_"If I tell you," He started, his voice dripping with annoyance and that annoyance got more apparent by every word, "will you just leave?"_

_That moment, a million of emotions ran across my mind, anger and hurt being two of them, but I said nothing to voice my thoughts. Had it really ever gotten me anywhere?_

"So I asked him what it was." I whispered, wishing this would just stop; the flashback, the racing thoughts, the uncontrolled emotions.

"And he told me."

_"Brooklyn," He spat, "I'm planning on battling him."_

_Astonished at the words and the emotions he was displaying so freely in his eyes, I froze. Words formed in my mind, half-complete sentences, but I couldn't bring them to my mouth...I couldn't bring myself to utter them._

_Why...?_

_"Now go." He said, looking away from my face, at the wall across him, "and piss someone else off."_

He had said the same thing to me when I had tried to convince him not to quit beyblading. But I hadn't given up then; I remained persistent and convinced him not to give up. So, why was I so hurt this time? Why did I walk away?

"He loved you," Tyson spoke, snapping me out of my thoughts. Stunned, I was forced to look up.

His face held a smile, and his eyes held the very last thing I wanted right now; hope.

"Don't-" I whispered, but he cut me off. That angered me but right then, I didn't have the strength to deal with it.

"I heard him _say_ it." Tyson argued, and while I tried to control my emotions, breath in and out...in and out, his lips turned a little more upwards.

He was smiling. He was freaking smiling!

"After the match," His voice got lower...but his smile never wore off. It hurt; how _could_ he? "I heard him."

"That doesn't count." I refused to believe it did. He just said that out of pity, why couldn't anyone ever point _that_ out?

I bit my lips; even thinking about it left this bitter taste on my tongue.

The wind was picking up, slashing across my face, tugging around my body. I was warm in Tyson's jacket and I hugged it more close around me as the temperature lowered.

"Really, now?" His voice was suspicious, almost scared.

"He didn't mean it." I said, relaxing somewhat now that his smile had gone. "He didn't know what he was saying."

"He never said anything he didn't mean, Hils." Tyson continued in a whisper, ignoring my growing panic. "He never did anything he didn't mean, either."

_Shut up..._

"You told us what he said,"

_Just shut up._

"That he wanted to prove that he was better than me."

_Why the _hell_ wasn't he shutting up?_

"I, for once, know that he never wanted to prove himself to anyone ever before." He paused, and when I didn't reply, he continued, "So why the sudden change?"

I immediately realized where he was getting at with this, and tried to protest.

"Tyson, sh-"

"To be exact," His voice raised over mine, "he didn't care what anyone thought of him till _you_ joined the team."

_Don't..._

"I saw what you were doing to him, Hillary."

_No..._

"He wanted to prove himself to _you_; no-one else." His tone was more tense than before, "You were the only one whose thoughts mattered to him."

Suddenly, I couldn't breath...I was suffocating, gasping for air. My ears started ringing, and the tears blinded everything from my view. I gripped at the railing for support but I was losing control, of my emotions, of myself...of everything that was real.

"Don't," I whispered once more, when Tyson grabbed me as my knees gave way. Both of his hands gripped my waist, holding me in what he thought was comfort as I leaned against the metallic rails. I wished they weren't there, the rails. Maybe then, the pain would end.

"I don't want to hear it." I slinked down on the ground, pulling Tyson along with me as I did so. He held me in his arms, yet again, and I pressed my face into his neck. It was cold, but my face was colder and when I felt his arms wrap them tightly, and so protectively around my back, the tears that I'd been trying so hard to restrain started to fall freely down my skin.

"Life's never about what you want, Hils." I could hear the smile return when he said those words, "Someone told me that, and it's so true. He loved you, and he told you. It's so simple, and I don't get why you have to make things so hard for yourself by denying that."

"He'd have b-been h-here," I cried, pushing myself into his comforting hold. "if h-he _did_."

"Hils," He moaned in a voice that was a weird mixture of comfort and complain, "I know _you_ loved him."

His words made me freeze all over. He was shooting at me with something new, again and again and again. Why couldn't he just give up, and let me be, anyway?

"What?" I managed to whisper.

I pulled away, prying his fingers off my body, pushing him away.

"Don't deny that, Hils."

I wasn't.

I _did_ love him. That's why it ached. That's why it was still aching. That's why, after so many months I still wasn't over this. There was a part of me that still hoped that this was all a dream, that I'd wake up at any moment and find myself in a futon on the dojo floor with Kai, sleeping on his own on the other corner of the room; alive. And if I knew anything, it was that I really loved him.

But I'd never accept it. Because if anything, our love was one-sided...so raw, so young, so immature, so unreal, so...stupid.

And if anything else, that love was all mine. Never his. He had wasted his life, to caught up in his own world, to love anyone at all.

"Does it matter?" In the semi-darkness, I could see Tyson's hand move towards my face but I turned it away. "Now what, Tyson? Did you just make things easy for me by saying that?"

Tyson didn't reply and I could tell he got why I didn't want to hear him. Though, now it really didn't matter. He'd said it, he'd made me fall into the trap of hoping; the trap I've been trying to avoid the hardest. If only he'd cared for me like I did, if only he had kept his promise to be back...

...Now, my mind was making up scenarios...could-have-been's and should-have-been's that were, in reality, only just figments of my imagination. And what hurt the most, right then, was that there was this possibility, no matter how remote, that things could have been different, that the 'we' that I had grown up imagining could've been real.

All it took was someone, that wasn't me, to say the words I'd been trying to deny; he loved me back.

"He's gone."

The sudden voice startled me, deviating me from my thoughts. I looked back at Tyson, to see his face composed; stern but relaxed.

"I'm sorry, Hillary, but he's gone."

A blow at me again. Did he really have to rub things in like that?

"Why can't you accept that and get over it?" I didn't miss the annoyance in his voice, "You have to, at some point."

_Why, indeed? _I found myself asking. I knew the answer; I was seeing him everywhere, and it ached every single time, but sometimes, you just have to let yourself feel the pain if that's what it takes to keep the memories alive. Getting over him meant forgetting, forgetting the smiles, the looks, the half-complete sentences, the barely-decipherable words...forgetting all that I've been trying so hard to keep alive. The pain was the only reminder I had of him, and I just didn't have it in me to let go of the only thing I had left of him.

"I can't."

He was more of a part of me now than he'd ever been. I found myself half-awake at night, trying to stay calm. I found myself snapping at people for barely no reason at all. I had gotten into the habit of speaking a _lot_ to speaking so little...

And I understood now, how he felt. I knew why he did most of the things he seemed to do. Although I wished it was sooner, but then I guessed that maybe that was just how life was; when people are gone, only then you realize how much they meant to you, how much they were a part of you, how much you really cared...

"I'm sorry." Tyson whispered, as if it was all his fault. It wasn't. "I'm so sorry."

He reached over, pulling me into his chest and I didn't oblige. For the first time ever, I realized how scared I actually was. Not only that, I was confused too, now. What was I supposed to do? I was damned to remember and damned all the more to forget; such a hard path to follow. It ached that there were so many paths to choose and I'd brought myself to the one that felt like being slammed against the wall; I couldn't move away from it and I couldn't move towards it. And it saddened me.

I felt a twinge in my heart. A million things ran across my minds all at once during the day; anger, fear, hurt, guilt, confusion, regret, overwhelmness...How come no-one ever told me that fear and sadness were practically different names for the exact same thing?

Right then, I wanted to scream out loud, to push Tyson away. I wanted to yell and run away to some cold, lonely place where I'd doubt this conversation ever happened, but somehow, I found myself pushing more into him, yearning for the comfort that never came.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

I stared absentmindedly at the pocket knife I'd taken from the attic, twirling it over in my hands. It was small, but it would serve its purpose without any problem. I recalled reading something somewhere;

_People self-injure because it makes them feel more controlled of the overwhelming feelings..._

Control was something I desperately yearned for everyday. I wondered what it would feel like, to be controlled. Maybe if I was more controlled, everyone would stop nagging on me about seeing a shrink...After all, I would be getting better, right?

In the back of my mind, I realized that they were only looking out for me, they'd be hurt if I got hurt. I knew that. I thought back to how that day, I was staring at my plate, just picking at my food. I couldn't help wondering that's exactly what was happening to my life. It wasn't going anywhere, it was staying exactly where someone had put it, and I was just picking at it, staring at it, looking for something to do with it, but in the end, I'd just leave it exactly where it was, exactly how it was.

It made me all the more angry now. Kai...he was so lucky that he could run away from everything, that he could run away from the pain. But his pain didn't last long, now did it? He died, and I was here, trying to pick up the pieces he'd broken when he had left.

I wondered what he'd have done if he was here. I felt a little angry at him sometimes; did he know how much pain he'd caused me?

But he was a loner, everyone said, and he didn't care what people thought about him...so why should _I_?

I stopped twirling the knife and sat down against the foot of my bed. Gripping it firmly in my hand, I stared at the blade as it glinted against the dull yellow light that hung on my wall.

_People self-injure because they feel relieved from the terrible emotional pain that they can't voice..._

Hesitantly, but consciously, I rolled up my sleeve, put the blade on my upper arm and let it stay there for a while, feeling it's smooth texture against my comparatively warmer skin. I never pressed it further, but I was unwilling to pull it away either.

_People self-injure because they want to get rid of the terrible feelings they've stored up inside..._

I wondered if it would hurt...it would be a relief to know that it would. I know I was going through shit, but this shit was what was keeping me going. He was the reason I was alive; half dead, but _still_ alive. Like I had said, the pain was the only reminder I had of him, aside from his unkempt, meaningless words and that broken promise...But I wasn't sure if his words really meant something, or whether he really had intended to keep that promise. All I knew was that the hurt was real, and I couldn't let it go. Letting the hurt go, would mean letting him go...I don't quite think I could live with myself if that happened.

Emotions running high, I pushed the blade a little further on my arm till the crimson liquid I wanted to see started to ooze out. I felt nothing at first, but that was probably because I hadn't pushed hard enough. That blade had barely left a scratch.

I held the pocket knife more firmly in my hand, waiting for my brain to signal me to cut this crap out...but that never really happened. And I don't think I cared if it had. If this was what it took to get the control, then this was what I was going to do.

I forced my thoughts away, struggling to keep myself in the present moment only. This time, feeling overwhelmed, I didn't wait for anything to stop me as I hurriedly pushed the blade further into my skin.

I watched silently as it penetrated through my skin, cutting it like butter. When I was satisfied with the surging pain, the blood oozing out more forcefully than ever and with an instant numbness ran through my arm, I pulled the knife away.

Staring from my bloody arm to the dyed-in-red knife stuck loosely in my arm, I did the weirdest thing I had ever done in my life; I laughed. The sound was hollow, and wrong and so unfamiliar but it was still a laugh, no denying that.

I didn't know how my life had taken such an unexpected turn. One minute, I was drinking sodas with my best friends over at the beach, high and excited about the recent win, smiling and laughing at our stupidity and now I'm stuck in my room, with a bloody knife in my hand, laughing at all the wrong reasons, at all the wrong moves...All I can say is, when someone tells you life's so predictable..._do not believe them._

I couldn't deny myself the greatness of it all, though. God, I was such a masochist, but it didn't matter because it was worth it. For the first time, I'd gotten my way. It felt great, watching the blood flow out like that, and for once, I felt controlled, and relieved. And the pain...man! The pain was so overpowering, it was _all_ I could feel...And after Kai, it was the first time I ever felt so controlled of myself.

My life was filled with questions I had no answers to, but this time, I felt proud of myself that I did. This was the perfect solution. I would feel controlled, they'd think I was getting better, I wouldn't need to see some doctor, I would get to _keep_ the pain...I would get to _keep_ his only memory...

I was...happy...

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

_**Especial thanks to kb, and everyone who read and reviewed the previous chapters. Read and review this one, too, please...:)**_


	4. Things Left Unsaid

_**Chapter 4: Things Left Unsaid….**_

_._

_~The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.  
><em>**_._**

"Why did he have to go?"

I sighed, leaning my head against the wall behind me. I closed my eyes, feeling a headache growing by the second. I was tired, I realized. So very tired. It had become a custom for me to feel this way.

"Sometimes," Ray's voice was slow; sort of comforting in the tense environment I'd created by asking that question so unexpectedly. I know I shouldn't have, but I was looking for answers, I needed them and I needed them quickly before I made that final decision. "You never know."

"He shouldn't have chosen that path." I opened my eyes, waiting till my eyes focused to my left, where Ray sat on the couch, staring down at me with concern.

"Are you blaming him, Hils?" He blinked at me, and I said nothing. He seemed to hear a 'yes' in my silence.

"He'd made things so hard for himself," I felt the need to defend myself. "for us. He could've had the easy way around. By quitting. It wouldn't have mattered to us."

"But it mattered to him." Tyson looked up, speaking for the first time. "You mattered to him."

Not this again.

"Don't start with me on that, Tyson." Was all I said as I pulled my knees upwards and leaned back against the wall again. He got the message, though and I was glad he wasn't pushing. If I had mattered so much, if all of us had actually mattered, he wouldn't have left us…

There was a little silence, and I could tell everyone was thinking about the same thing as me.

"Sometimes, Hillary," Max finally spoke, and I turned to look over at him. He was staring blankly at the floor. "Solutions aren't that simple. We don't know what he was thinking."

I nodded, though I didn't get it.

"He was thinking of proving himself." Tyson said what was in my mind, but I didn't miss his intentions.

"He _said_ he was, Tyson." Max looked up, his blue eyes filled with emotions. "We don't know for sure."

Another wave of silence washed over as they thought some more.

"He didn't have to go." I repeated, and no-one turned to look at me this time.

"Sometimes," Tyson said, without looking up. "It's the only way."

I looked away, down at the floor. So that was it, then. My decision was final now. No backing out now…

"No matter how much we want otherwise."

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

At first, I thought I was dead; because nothing made sense. The dark greenery stretched so far that it was _all _that I could see. I took in a deep breath, and flinched at the sweetness of the fragrance…._Roses, Lilies…Jasmine_….It was all over. I felt the wet grass beneath my feet and marveled, for a second, over how cold it really felt…cold and nice. The sun, glistening up so high, showered its light upon the land down below; brightening it more than it needed to be.

But still; nothing made sense. I shouldn't _be_ here. I didn't belong here…

At first, really, the only explanation I could come up with was this; I was dead. It was my sub-consciousness, I realized, that must've passed on this image. I couldn't deny the fact that it was what I'd been thinking about lately…. that it was what I wanted it to be…

But then, I felt the wind push against me, tugging on every inch of my body –my white dress, as it flowed behind me; my hair, entangling in a mess around my head—it pushed against me with such force, I found it hard to keep balance. And just as I pushed yet another handful of hair from my face…I saw it. One minute, it was the endless, green grass, stretching as far as my eyes could reach, and the next minute, there was another figment of imagination I wanted to be real, standing in front of me.

It was breathtaking, the way he stood; so tall, so lean…so safe. Of course, that must've been my brain comparing him with the last time I'd seen him—so broken, so hollow and so …weak—that him look more wonderful than ever. I smiled, despite of my pain.

And that was what proved that I wasn't dead, as I wanted to be; there shouldn't be any pain afterwards.

"Hillary?"

I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice…so surreal, yet so uncannily familiar. I felt my throat burn.

"I'm here."

I opened my eyes to see that his back was turned towards me now. The sun made his unusually two-toned hair glisten more in its glow, and I just watched as the wind changed direction, blowing against his back, pushing his clothes forward…It bothered me, it seemed as if nature was silently trying to tell him to move forward….away from me. I didn't want him to leave me again.

Unconsciously, I took a step forward. The wind howled, and this time, I felt it blow against _my _back, as if urging _me_ to walk up to him. And how could I not do so? He was there…So close…

I raised my hand, as if to reach out for him if he was near, as if to call him forward if he could see me; but he wasn't near, and he couldn't see me, so I pushed myself forwards, feeling my will crumpling with every step.

I was dreaming…I was sure of it. And it would sting so badly in the morning. But then, I just wanted to be with him… even if it meant getting hurt…

"Kai," I whispered his name so slowly, yet, I expected him to hear it. I took another step forward, my hand outstretched….

He turned his face sideways, as if to there was something bug on his shoulder, and he was watching it writhe, and only then did I realized that it was a reaction to me calling out for him.

"Kai," I tried again, feeling my face crumple. He didn't move, and once again, I took a step forward. I was almost there.

He half-turned, a smile teasing his lips, to look at me; his expression was an amused one. Did he find my pain amusing?

"Kai," I almost pleaded, my hand stretched out in front of me desperately, almost as if he'd disappear if I pulled back.

The grass felt, once again, wet underneath my feet as I took the remaining few steps to close the now-small gap between us. I felt something wet on my cheeks as my hand finally touched his back…

"I'm…" I lost my voice when he turned around completely to look at me. He grabbed my hand that was on his back, gently off of him, and pulled it downwards. My eyes never removed from his face, so smooth, so pale….so real. I felt the long-suppressed desire to touch it.

He raised his free hand to put it on my cheek and only then, did I notice the all-too-small distance between us. I took another step to reduce it. He wiped the moisture on my skin, and his eyes trailed over me, as if noticing me for the first time; up, then down…up….eyes. His breath was on my face, he was too close.

"I…" I started, but then thought better of it. He was a dream, nothing else. He shouldn't be here…I shouldn't be here. This was just my subconscious mind playing a joke on me. And tomorrow morning when I'd wake up, I'd be back to the suffering…

For a second, the realization took my breath away; I gasped, now conscious of the tears as they blinded my vision. Suddenly, gravity felt stronger than ever, and I let it pull me downwards to the moist ground. I was feeling suffocated and throttled. I wanted to be with him, yet I was scared of the consequences.

"You…" I heard myself say through the pain I was feeling; a low stabbing, right in my chest. My hand was still grasped in his hold, still so loose, it felt like slipping away; it scared me, the very thought that it was, and I found myself gripping his hand tighter. I looked up. He looked so fragile and unreal, as if he would disappear any moment, and I'd be left standing there alone, just like before.

He was looking down at me, his eyes blank; his expression held no pain, no anger, and no pity….not a single thing. I felt like I should be pushing him away, it was the same uncaring expression I'd seen –seen and never forgotten—once, and it hurt more than anything else, but I found that it was against my very will.

"I missed you," I blurted out, despite myself and suddenly, as if he didn't have the energy to stand anymore, he fell on his knees, right in front of me. He looked at me, his expression held so many emotions that they were hard to read. In the back of my mind, I realized that they meant little; this wasn't real… it was a figment of my mind… but that never stopped me from doing anything I did next.

"I've…" I started again, my hands reaching towards his face, but before I could really touch it, I pulled away. Would he disappear if I touched him once again?

"Hillary," He stated, ignoring me apparently. His tone confused me, it felt like he was checking what my name sounded like to him, like it was the first time he'd said it.

He smiled.

"I'm here," he said once again.

"Why do you keep saying that?" My voice broke, but somehow, he just smiled at me. "Why are you…smiling?"

He leaned backwards a little, and as if I were glued to him, I followed suite, leaning towards him in response. He raised his hand again, to put it on my cheek…he barely touched me, it was so hesitant, his touch this time. Did he bore the same fear as me? The fear that he'd go back to his own unknown world if I touch him?

"I'm…" I gushed, "s-sorry."

I leaned towards him a little bit more, closing my eyes after I'd put both my hands on his shoulders. Nothing happened.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help."

He said nothing, and miserably, I turned my head downwards to the ground. I didn't open my eyes, I couldn't bear to.

"I love you, Hillary." His words hurt me more than they did the first time I heard them. This time, even if it was somehow true that he _did_ care it was too late for it to matter...he was gone, and that caused the words to hurt me more than they'd ever before.

I opened my eyes to look up at this illusion which my mind had created. His head was turned sideways, his smile never left his features. He wasn't making any sense. But maybe that was because, that this wasn't him… I was seeing what my mind wanted him to be. Maybe that's why he was acting so queer.

"Did you hear me, Kai?" I could taste my salty tears as I yelled angrily at him. I raised myself just a little, so that I sat taller than him, but he didn't snap, he didn't glare, he didn't even flinch. "I'm…"

My lips were quivering…He sighed.

"Sorry," I finished, pushing myself into him. The desire of wanting his comfort overpowered my previous apprehension of his vanishing and leaving me alone in this place.

I was vaguely aware of anything that was happening. He was cold, he was stone against me. I whimpered a little more as he circled my waist with his free hand, while his other one let go of mine and was in my hair, rubbing against the back of my neck. My arms went around his back, yearning for something that I desperately needed; him, being alive. I couldn't get it, and the realization, on my part, made me more desperate.

The wind changed its course again, pushing against Kai's back; I felt its tug on my sleeves as it pulled them backwards. It was cold, and it was wet….I felt lonely and so guilty….so hollow…

"We couldn't make it." The first of my unkempt and unconscious words came out of my mouth in a gush full of emotions. So much to say…. "I'm sorry."

I could already feel the ghost of the pain, ripping through me, warning me not to move too closer, to think too deeply, to do what I shouldn't do…

Of course, that was exactly what I did; I talked to him.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't give enough," I whispered against his skin, "that I couldn't give you enough to keep you alive."

I didn't have the courage to stop him… I wanted him to know that I was sorry for giving up.

He sighed again, the sound would almost have been muted due to the howling gust, but I was close enough to hear.

I pulled back to look at him. He was smiling. And this time, it was my favorite lop-sided one. It made me happy, partially because I could see it, and partially because I was glad my imagination had caught, and kept, this side of him so successfully.

He leaned forward, pressing his lips to my forehead, where they stayed and slowly, as I felt myself falling backwards, I started to feel disappointed…It would be over? So soon… and I would be back in the real world; back with the disappointed stares of everyone, back to the murmurings around school, to the hollowness which I felt every passing second..the emptiness only _he_ could fill.

"You're with me now," I heard him reply to me logically for the first time, and I smiled through my tears as I realized that I really was falling backwards; but only because he was pushing me that way. It wasn't over…yet. And I'd make the best of this moment, even if it was all in my head.

"Then just stay," I whispered as he pressed his lips to my forehead again, pushing me so that I lay flat on the ground. "And live, and breathe…"

He pulled away so that he was resting besides me, instead of at top me, and I sighed in disappointment as I continued with a fake little smile,

"And try not to die again."

He rolled over, till he was on his stomach and then he raised his arm. I watched as slowly, he brought his hand near my face, yet again, to touch my skin. It felt like a strange thing to do over and over again, and it felt even stranger to feel this calm sensation when he did so….but I didn't stop him.

I deserved this moment….I'd still take it without guilt even if I _didn't_ deserve this.

I closed my eyes, feeling as his hand moved down my cheeks, onto my neck, then my shoulders. I felt his cold fingers against the bare skin of my arm as they trailed slowly downwards….Then, I felt his fingers on my stomach, through the fabric of my plain, white dress…

"We couldn't make it," I repeated, letting my defeat show, letting him know that I had given up. He said nothing in reply; maybe my imagination was worn out already….I was pushing at it a little too much, I realized. I rolled over, still, determined to make the best of this moment. I wrapped my arms around him, closed my eyes and just let myself feel him nearby; something I'd never really had a chance to do…

And I cherished the memory, even if it was all in my head.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

I didn't recoil when my fist hit the wall...again and again and again. I twitched my nose at the small spots of blood that started to form when my fist touched the wall one last time, and satisfied, I pulled back.

_I can't take it anymore._

I dragged myself over to the mirror, and in the dull light, I saw myself for the first time in ages. I couldn't say I was satisfied with what I saw, or that it was worth watching at all. I looked like a ragged doll...a dull, expressionless porcelain doll. My messy hair, so greasy and so devoid of their shine, hung tangled around my face; my clothes were rough, torn in some places after all the cuts I'd inflicted on my body. My eyes were the worst...so hollow, and instead of their usual ruby color they were blood-shot red. I looked lifeless. I had begun to feel lifeless too… the only reminder that I was still living was the pain that endlessly haunted me, it was the only thing, which made me believe that I still existed and had not died along with Kai.

My hands unconsciously rolled up into fists again, ready to strike, as I realized that my anger hadn't yet left me. And that's what I did. With yet another blow that left my hand bleeding more, and my anger peaking instead of relaxing, I heard an ear-piercing sound as the glass shattered in front of me, the countless pieces falling down to the ground. I didn't care if someone heard the sound… I was too enraged, much too pained to care.

For a while, I watched the glasses scattered all around me like that; I was gasping for air...all of this was so tiring... I walked over to my bed and slid down to the floor against it. I picked up the blade I'd unconsciously dropped and raised it up to my arm. Not even bothering to roll my sleeves, I made a slashing movement and in a second, there was blood glinting like ice on the blade's surface.

I never felt anything, anymore. No pain, no control, no relief, no relaxing, no happiness...Just nothing but this overpowering rage. I wasn't even sure of whom I was mad at, anymore… At him, for leaving me? Or at myself for not being able to stop him? Or for just being so vulnerable and not being to get over?

_It's time._

Angrily, I got up and slammed my arm against the wall...then I kicked it, once, twice...thrice.

I missed him, I had missed him a lot. I had tried holding on to his every memory, every word, every smile...and at first, it felt the right thing to do. At first, when I thought about him, it made me feel so safe...it made me closer to him. At first, I thought I couldn't just let him go...let the memories go. But these memories were slowly and painfully killing me…because even though memories last forever, I knew there was some point, where they'd stop meaning so much to me. Because really, I could hold on to everything…but I knew that just thinking about him...It never did seem to bring him back, now did it? Thinking about him was something I felt the need to do...sort of like a defense mechanism. Like how, when Max is scared, he eats. Like how, when my brother is nervous, he chews his nails off. I was scared, so very scared...it made me feel guilty, and so sad. I'd adopted the habit of thinking about him, to make things a little easier for me, to give myself something better to do.

But I was so much late to realize that he was my guilty pleasure. Such an over-used term, but he was like Max's over-eating, or my brother's nail-biting habit...in the end of it all, it never helped. And right now, thinking about him was making my life so much more difficult to bear...

_I need..._

Pain...pain would be so much more better, naked and raw and rough pain would be so much better than feeling this...this rage...anger was something I couldn't control. Control was something I desperately yearned for...anger wasn't what I wanted, what I needed. What I wanted and needed was to be with him. Nothing else mattered anymore…

_Tonight._

And the worst of all was that this anger was directed towards no-one but him...To him...and only him...Kai...His last words lingered everyday in my thoughts, haunted me all those rare nights that I found myself asleep.

_"I'll be back."..._

He didn't...He _couldn't_...

_"Wait for me."..._

I waited...for so long, for so _freaking_ long...

_"I love you, Hillary."_

Love was strange, wasn't it? Like a scar; you get hit and it's marked there forever, etched onto the unlikeliest of all places, unlikeliest of all times...

But this anger was out of my control. I watched him die...I had watched him _die_...In front of my very eyes, and I couldn't do anything..._He_ couldn't do anything. All he ever thought was about himself. He was so selfish. He wasted his time trying to do things that didn't matter. He never really thought of anyone else, now did he? The only pain he ever saw was his own. He had wanted to prove himself, no matter to whom, and he'd _died_ trying.

The rage was so overpowering, it barely left anything else for me to feel. I slammed the door open, and ran downstairs...outside, it was cold. It pierced my skin like ice, prickling with a little more intensity at my latest wounds...wounds I hadn't bothered hiding.

I ran bare feet, across the garden, along the street, underneath the moonlight. I ran, as if someone was chasing after me, ignoring the people I passed, ignoring their stares. I just kept running and running, blisters already forming on my naked feet as they collided with the small stones on the path I ran along. I didn't even stop for a breath, to even give a second thought to what I was intending to do… my decision was final…

_This was all his fault_.

When I reached my destination, I was glad there was no-one here. No-one would be here, when it was almost midnight. It was way too dangerous. The waves were picking up, relaxing and then picking up again...almost as if warning me...as if taunting me...

I smiled...

_**End Of Flashback:**_

_The memories had been playing in her mind like a film on a projector. Reminiscing about all that had happened, made her wounds feel fresh and new. It made her feel even worse; she felt as if she was choking._

_'What would he say?' The voice echoed in her head again. But it was slow this time; slow and so unreal that it was fading; and she smiled...she was winning._

_"Sometimes," She whispered to herself the words that had made her consider this final act. "It's the only way."_

_Her pale lips curled up into what looked like half a smile and she closed her eyes._

_"No matter how much you want otherwise."_

_It didn't matter. She didn't care that everyone would be hurt by her actions or would think of her as weak, even he would think of her as weak... but it didn't matter. Why should she care what he'd think when he didn't care for her? Why should she care for them being hurt when he, too, had left them hurt and broken? It just felt unnatural to care...a little stupid and somewhat uncanny, almost. She just wanted for everything to end now..._

_Suddenly, she felt as if she heard a voice in her mind. She gasped in response. _

_"You're wasting your life," It growled; the sound was the same as she remembered it to be. _

_Hillary thought against it, "You wasted your life too."_

_"I'm not a good role model now, am I?" Kai's voice spoke in her mind and it sounded smug._

_Hillary smiled to herself a little. Thinking about his voice now seemed like a very strange thing to do. For the first time, she actually considered the fact that maybe she really _was_ loosing it. Hearing the dead...he'd have chuckled at the thought._

_"But you were _everything _to me," She replied, misery overcoming her...so many things she'd left unsaid. She shook her head, as if to rid herself of the emotions._

_"You did what you wanted and now it's my turn.."_

_The bitterness in her thoughts made her feel stupid. She was arguing with herself...and she was feeling this resentment as she did so._

_The voice didn't reply and she refused to give it more thought... Her mind had played enough tricks on her, and it had failed...there was no turning back now._

_"Kai," She whispered, willing to think of him one last time. She thought of his smile, the way he bossed everyone around, the way he spoke, the way he walked. "You were so stupid."_

_She edged closer to the end of the cliff, holding her breath and letting it out._

_"Stupid...and you were wrong." She opened her eyes to stare at the rapidly flowing liquid down below, as if he was there, as if he was listening. "You told me to wait. You said you'd be back."_

_Nothing, she knew, could change her mind now. She was surprised at how sure and calm she sounded about that realization, so surprised that she took a few seconds to marvel over it._

_"You've got explaining to do," She smiled more widely than she had in what felt like ages, "Kai."_

_The wind howled once again, pushing against her so small form and only then did she realize how cold it actually was. It didn't make her hesitate, or rethink her decision though. Did it really matter that the wind felt like ice against her bleeding wounds? Did it really matter that the clothes, ripped at places, spotted with her blood, barely concealed her petite figure? This was going to end now, anyway._

_"I loved you too, Kai." She felt the small twinge in her heart again, it left her numb, and suddenly she found herself feeling somewhat scared. "Wish you knew. Wish it wasn't too late."_

_And then, the pain was too much to take and as if instinctively, she did what she thought would be an easy escape; she jumped. There was no splash; the sound being overcome by the crashing of the waves on the edge of the cliff on top of which she'd been standing. The waves had been quite violent throughout the night as if trying to tell her to stop, trying to make her grasp that what she intended to was wrong; unearthly; they seemed to be trying to warn her. But as soon as her diminutive figure collided with the water and sunk into the depths of the ocean, the waves immediately grew silent, the wind stopped howling and all was calm and serene. No one could have apprehended what a tragedy had gone on here. The silence was eerie and ethereal as if nature itself was mourning over what had happened; as if, it too was wishing that things should not have gone on as they had. But what was done was done; nothing and no one could change the past._

_Hilary, as she felt herself fade into oblivion, finally felt free. She felt as if all her anguish and despair was slowly but painfully disappearing. Although, the pain felt more excruciating, but slowly, she faded away… content and somewhat happy. And in her entire life, if she'd regretted anything, it sure wasn't ending it...once and for all._

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

_**Hey, everyone! I'm done...God, that was a long (sad and sappy) ride...This is my FIRST story that's been completed yet...so proud of it...**_

_**And (kaihil lover), thanks for joining this miserable ride with me...I couldn't have done it without you, dude. Love you.**_


End file.
